someone owes me an orgasm
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
