So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
