JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
