you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
