The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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