My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
