Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I would fuck him just for his dog
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
