I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
