I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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