i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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