I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
