i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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