I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.