As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
