Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Bring me that man meat
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.