i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw