Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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