Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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