I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
3pm strippers are depressing
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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