I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize