dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you had me at cake vodka
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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