My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
