You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Less talking, more tequila
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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