i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
