How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
