she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
