There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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