look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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