He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
