we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
