I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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