I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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