How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
