Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
