I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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