Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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