I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
