Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
