saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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