How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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