I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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