a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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