Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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