Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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