Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
