Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
