No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
