Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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