when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
