I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
