Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
