she woke up with a sticky ear
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
