i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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