your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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