he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
